When Playtime Goes Bad

Ever had one of those days when the kids just can’t seem to get along? Or the kids are playing in a way that you feel is simply too rough? Or they are playing in what seems to be a ‘mean’ or ‘unkind’ way with their toys?

Well guess what? It’s normal. It’s healthy.

Actually, really healthy.

Here’s the scoop.

Kids learn a TON through play. We love it when they learn the good stuff, right? We see them sitting up straight while playing tea party and politely asking the hostess for more tea. It makes our heart swell and we feel as though we are doing a smashing bang-up job of this parenting thing. But what about the bad stuff? The ‘gimmes’ and the shoving and the unkind words. (Or in the photo above when they laugh as they run over their doll with a toy car.) That makes us feel like we need to run and hide and never let the kids out of the house for fear of exposing our apparent incompetency. We want to fix it and we want to fix it quick.

But here’s the thing. Children need that rough, tough play. This is how they learn to deal with conflict, hurt feelings, anger and other less savory emotions. This is where they learn to stand up for themselves, figure out social dynamics, and even develop empathy. No, really.

Vigorous social play releases… a protein that stimulates the growth of new neurons in brain regions involved in emotional reaction and social learning. ~ Gabrielle Principe “Your Brain on Childhood” page 207. Click to Tweet

It has been shown that boys who engage in rough and tumble play and wrestling and all that crazy behaviour that makes us moms shout “Not in the house!” tend to be more empathetic, know where the line is for their behaviours, and are socially more in tune with others.

Young rats denied opportunities for rough-and-tumble play develop numerous social problems. They fail to recognize social cues and the nuances of rat hierarchy; they aren’t able to mate. ~ Gabrielle Principe “Your Brain on Childhood” page 207.

Children who don’t engage in this rough kind of play tend to be more violent later in life as they haven’t learned those boundaries in their youth. They don’t understand those consequences. Children really need that physical play.

That rough-and-tumble play for girls can look a little different as it tends to be more psychological. For example, when you hear your girls playing Barbies while having them talk smack to each other, that is their version of rough play. (Think mean girls.) But they are actually learning important (vital) social dynamics. And it is healthy–to an extent. When we interfere and don’t let them play and work it out on their own we are preventing them from learning the skills they need to resolve these sorts of issues on their own.

So, if you worry about your kids being able to stand up for themselves as well as others, let them play. Let them try on mean behaviours. Let them correct each other and put each other in their place. Let them figure out how to get along together. At first it might be hard, but the independence, self-confidence, and ability to resolve issues is going to be key for their future success.

How about you? What do you do to prevent yourself from interfering? At what point do you feel it is appropriate to step in?

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You may have heard about Lenore Skenazy’s (Author of Free Range Kids) latest Free Range Parenting Ploy: Pay Me to Ignore Your Kids. And a lot of people are calling her crazy. But before we get into that, let me share exactly what her program will offer as a benefit to your kids.

The Benefits of Lenore Skenazy’s Child Care Program: Pay Me to Ignore Your Kids

By participating in Lenore Skenazy’s program your kids will develop many skills and reach many developmental milestones. For example, independence, self-reliance, conflict management, social skills, self-regulation, leadership, self-control, creativity, communication skills as well as develop muscle, motor fitness, physical agility, and improve their cardiovascular health. This program will reduce ADHD type behaviours, increase feelings of self-worth and self-confidence as well as reduce the chance of developing childhood depression.

Wow. That sounds pretty damn stinking good, doesn’t it? I mean, sign my kids up for that!

How much does it cost?

$350. Sure. Why not, right? It’s New York and look at what your kids get for an hour and half of play every Wednesday. I mean, programming. To quote Lenore: “Pay for a class, enhance your child’s life.” (It’s what parents are used to.) In other words, we don’t put value on something unless we pay for it these days when it comes to our kids, their education, their development, and their well-being.

Why Lenore Skenazy is NOT Crazy

Lenore’s program plain and simple: bring your kids to the park (Wednesdays 3:45 to 5:15 p.m. in Central Park (85th and 5th)) and leave them there with Lenore. Then go away. She stays, but ignores the kids and lets them play as a huge group. The next Wednesday she meets up with everyone, then goes to the coffees hop and drinks coffee while the kids play in a big group.

Why Lenore’s “Pay Me to Ignore Your Kids” is not a crazy idea:

1. Lenore is making a point about our kids NEEDING to play outdoors, with a variety of different kids (ages, backgrounds, etc.) without adults interfering and solving every little issue. (See my list of benefits for her program above–those are the benefits of kids playing actively and independently outside, on their own, with other kids. I.e Free Play.)

2. Crime rates are LOWER now than when we were kids. I.e. the park is safer now than when we were kids and hanging out there without our parents. The world isn’t different–our thinking is. (Stupid TV shows–the only time they show a kid is when something bad is going to happen to them. How can we not be messed up when it comes to our perception of dangers to our children?)

3. Your child has a five-hundred thousand times greater chance of becoming OBESE due to a lack of active, outdoor play than of being abducted. In other words, in the long run they are going to be safer in the park than at home on the couch.

4. She is going to set kids loose in a SAFE place. A high traffic, safe neighbourhood. (Unless of course you watch CSI: New York and Law & Order.) As well it is in a playground–a place designed by experts, specifically for kids.

5. She’s going to be there for the first time. So if there are genuine issues, she is there.

6. After that she will be down the block. WHERE KIDS KNOW WHERE TO FIND HER.

7. Kids have cell phones these days. Do you think they can’t figure out how to get help if they need it?

8. There will be enough helicoptering moms of the really young kids hanging around just waiting to use their stash of  Band-Aids and wipes. These kids will be well-covered should they need it. There biggest risk will be the Ohmigodyoucan’tdothatwhereisyourmother types.

9. She is not saying to leave toddlers there alone. This is for kids aged 8 and up. At age 12 kids can babysit. That means they can be responsible and most likely play in the park for awhile with other kids.

10. She is trying to put the CHILD back into CHILDhood. And that, my dear friends, is commendable.

Right now Lenore needs support. She needs people to show up (even if the idea of leaving your kid in the park freaks you out) and she also needs someone to go on TV with her. (God, how I wish I was in New York. I would so be there in a heart beat.)

So if you want what is best for your kids. Really, and truly what is best for your kids, help the gal out. It’s in the name of play and in the name of play is ALWAYS what is best for our kids.

Are you in New York? Will you be helping Lenore out?

What are your thoughts? Share ’em below.

P.S. If you want to read more on Lenore’s other reinstate play ideas, check out this post on reseeding our playgrounds with kids.

Spread the word:

10 reasons why Lenore Skenazy (@freerangekids) is not crazy for ignoring your kids. http://t.co/qu48CGFU #parenting #NewYork

— Jean Oram (@KidsPlay) September 12, 2012

Boy, does that bring back some memories.

Today, I encourage you to bring out this old game if your kids haven’t been introduced to it already. And yes, some of you may have just given me the hairy eyeball on that one and are wondering why I am so cruel as to suggest a game that brings out the competitive edge in those kids you just got settled nicely on the couch.

Want to know why?

Because, believe it or not, it is healthy for your kids.

No, really. A little competition is healthy for our kids. Challenges such as King of the Castle teach our kids how to deal with conflict, competition, winning, losing, and even cooperation (think of two younger siblings unroosting the eldest) and maybe even sharing (the two youngest siblings are now looking down at the eldest from their perch).

Whenever we step in and calm a little tuffle that is bringing out the competition in our kids–because let’s face it, King of the Castle isn’t just about skill and timing, it is about competing and besting the other players, even if for 2.3 seconds–we interfere with a chance for them to learn about themselves and everyday situations. Playing King of the Castle is a chance for them to learn how to solve conflict, deal with annoying winners, be a gracious loser, and of course, a gracious winner–even though the whole point of the game is to rub your momentary win in the face of others.

Still not convinced? Think of it this way, there are always going to be those competitive rub-your-nose in it types out there in the real world, right? So, would you like your child to learn how to deal with it now when the biggest ‘risk’ is them stomping home in tears? Or would you rather protect them from it and then later in their life when they are at their first job they get so angry with a coworker who is a competitive nose-rubber that they end up losing it on this person and getting themselves fired? Probably not the last one, right?

While it is in our nature and coded into our genes to want to step in and protect our children from every sting and arrow in their childhood, we also need to peel back the protective barrier every once in awhile and let our kids deal with some small stings so they build their own protective armour for when they leave our nests.

Every day is a learning opportunity for kids and play is learning. Let’s let our kids play.

How about you? How do you approach competition? Any King of the Castle scars to show and stories to tell?

It’s the kind of play that rolls with the punches, is fun for two kids with a seven year age gap, and builds creativity as well as a relationship that is built on their terms–and therefore, much more likely to last.

(Free play is defined as play that is unstructured, unscheduled, and unscripted. It is that ‘raw’ play that occurs naturally when you get children together (although kids can engage in free play on their own as well) and evolves and morphs quickly and often without even a murmur from anyone.)

When kids create their own rules they learn an amazing amount of things such as compromise, empathy, communication skills, social skills, how to adapt play part way through a ‘game,’ and much more. These skills help develop their brain in ways that will serve them well later in life such as when it comes to problem solving, conflict resolution, working with others, and creativity. For example, did you know that farm kids generally make better engineers? Know why? Because they are used to having to find unorthodox (‘outside of the box’) solutions to the problems they encounter on the farm. Over time, they have developed a patient and creative approach that serves them well in the field of engineering. And it all starts with free play.

Are you giving your kids the opportunity and time they need to engage in free play? What can you do to encourage more free play?

I’m right there with you,

Jean